Have you ever felt like there's such a heavy weight on your chest that you can only take shallow breaths? Or like you were doing a balancing act as things are piling high on either side of your balancing pole? THAT'S how I have been feeling lately!
This is not meant to be a vent of all that is going wrong in my life. Nor is it supposed to be a list of complaints. I simply want to express the very real realities of moms. Especially single mom's.
My children are amazing! We are truly blessed to be where we are financially, school-wise, my job, our home, our church family, and even other God-given opportunities!
Yet I am extremely overwhelmed! I cannot get motivated to KEEP my house in order. That adds a HUGE stress to my life! I don't have the time to help my children with school stuff because of my work schedule. Maybe that sounds like an excuse, but I mean that I cannot help them maintain their grades and make sure they are getting all their work done on time. I find myself too exhausted to even have fun anymore.
Now, I am positive that if you were to sit down with me and write up a weekly schedule with me, we would find time for it all... on paper. It's my mind that is so cluttered, though. I need a mental break! That's on me, I know. My brain is constantly over stimulated. I'm the kind of person that needs to be reminded to breath... to drink water... to eat. Of course I get that those things are all important! I set deadlines for myself for so many things I know I have to do, and then completely become consumed by it all. I feel like I have to do these things because, honestly, who else is going to?
The family unit, in it's entirety, is so valuable! It's truly a shame that it all falls apart so often. It's a shame that parents will not value their relationship so that the family can thrive. It's a shame that we become so selfish that we can only see what the other half is or is not doing and then proceed to blame them for the family unraveling. It's ALL such a shame! That a marriage would get to a point of being unhealthy to remain and healthy to divide! It's so ass-backwards! But it happens... and life becomes this.
Absolutely, there are many joys still....in my case, even more so! But nobody can ignore the fact that our family is broken. A broken family is forced to live as amputees. The thing is, had we kept the limb that developed disease and infection, we'd live a painful life, managing to continue to function. But at least we'd still have all our parts. The thing about that, it would have eventually taken over the entire body and killed it. I suppose this is the healing process. It's frustrating and painful. It's necessary to go through a sort of physical therapy and rehab. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by such thing tends to make us stubborn in our strive for independence. We don't ask for help because we feel we "need to learn to do it ourselves". That's what I have been stuck in. I know it's a wrong mindset to have. It's become such a habit for me, though. I don't like that it has.
Believe me, I never WANTED to be a single mom. I wanted to stay married and heal within. It wasn't an option. The way I feel overwhelmed now, I have felt this way during my marriage. I even checked myself into the Behavioral Center a couple times! I felt like I was completely losing my mind! So, that said, I can't even say I miss what I had. Not to bash my ex. I'm only saying I was always feeling alone in parenting.
I should stop right now. In fact, the only reason I'm posting this entry is for those who can relate, but feel ashamed to admit it. I still aim to inspire you... even in my own weakest moments. I encourage you to cry out to Jesus, always. Let Him comfort you and listen to Him in your moments of weakness. I know it's hard, and you want something more tangible in those moments. I do, too! But, knowing His character, leaning into Him will ALWAYS bring you peace. He chooses, often times, to encourage us through others. Which means that you have to fight the urge of isolation. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable with the people who care for you. You have to allow yourself to ask for help! Help with cleaning your house. Help with grocery shopping. Help with taking the kids for a day. Just ask. Because your loved ones WANT to help. It's a way to express love. You know, I really am trying to pump myself up enough to ask my loved ones for help. I hope this is helping you, too!
In closing, I challenge you to ask someone to help you with something. I take my own challenge to do so. And I will let you know how it goes! I would love to hear your stories and any encouragement!