I don't know WHY it has taken me so long to finally write about this!?

First, I will start by declaring this:

 May all I state herein fall on deaf ears if it NOT be inspired by the very heart of God and His Holy Spirit.  May all that IS truth and of holy wisdom and insight, straight from the heart of God, take root in the hearts of those seeking truth, deeper relationship with our Creator, and guidance in how to be a powerful son/ daughter in this world!



Three years ago I finally woke from a deep sleep.  For as long as I can remember I not only saw myself as the target of the enemy's prime choice of torment, but I had even chosen to believe I deserved it. Anything anyone did or said to me that was hurtful or hateful, I believed that I must have deserved it.  I even began verbally repeating the lies to myself in the mirror.  At the time I believed them to be truths. Not just as a child, but well into adulthood.  I received everything bad as justified punishment for things unknown, at first.  However, I was sure to be the first to verbally shame myself as soon as I knowingly did things wrong.  Outwardly, I tried to be joyful and whimsical, as I naturally was.  Eventually, though, My inward decay and utter pain began to completely change my outward appearance.  My eyes became empty and glossed over.  My smile became forced. My body was becoming a lifeless shell.  I had so many walls built up and forces of defense set up all around me.  I was enslaved by my own free will!   

Now, this may or may not sound believable to you... I absolutely loved and trusted God from an early age!  I did believe that, one day, He will rescue me from this.  That ALL of this torment was going to be used for good.  I really remember thinking that at age 10! I knew verses that revealed His promises and I never wavered in faith. Truly!

What I DIDN'T know was this...

I didn't know I had a choice to NOT receive the lies!  I didn't know the true power of MY words!  I didn't know my true, unique value!  I knew what the bible said, yes.  I just didn't know the true power behind the scriptures.  I guess I got in the habit of looking at it more like a history book with powerful stories that had happened and encouraging words.  I didn't know my authority I had over the enemy.  I didn't know that I could claim things, good things, for myself!  I didn't have the slightest concept of life and death being in the power of my tongue! 

This lack of understanding was not due to a lack of teaching from my parents and pastors.  I had allowed the enemy to cloud my vision from an early age, which made it difficult for me to comprehend simple truths.

Oh! How good God is!  He has unlocked truths within me and flooded me with a deep knowledge and understanding!  I believe people have different "missing links", so to speak.  For me it was the understanding of Quantum Physics!  Everything is energy!

This is how God has caused everything bad in my life to turn around for my good!
As I was going through my divorce, I was in search of a job.  I had been a stay-at-home mom for 8 1/2 years!  My highest level of education would be categorized as " Some College", but it was on the low end of "Some" considering I became pregnant with my first child my senior year of High School. And married shortly out of High School. 
I had always said that I wouldn't get a job I didn't love.  That was even more important to me than what it paid.  I believed that if I loved my job I'd do it well.  And I knew that that would please God and He is my ultimate provider!  At first I decided to use my God-given talents to earn what I could until I found a stable job.  I began selling baked goods at a coffee shop!  I was asked to write and direct skits at my church for VBS! No, that wasn't a paying job, of course!  But it was a blessing to have my gifts acknowledged and drawn out of me!  Through that experience I came to know my current boss and dearly trusted friend!  He worked at a health and wellness clinic where his dad was the Doctor.  I asked if they were hiring and he said that they are praying for the right person to come.  Long story short, (well, of this particular story) I am that person!  I am drawing near to my 3 year anniversary of employment at our clinic!  I have gained so much knowledge and confidence in these past few years that gives my entire past so much purpose!
Our main source of healing at our clinic is ENERGY!  The true understanding of this key factor in life is simultaneously mind blowing and yet so simple!!   

Everything is truly energy!  The very breath you breathe in and out holds frequency!  Each individual cell in your body has a specific frequency!  Your thoughts, your words, all of you! The paint you paint your baby's walls with has a specific energy to it that will either provide a happy, gloomy, comforting, or over stimulating energy within that room.  To which that child will react according to it's own energy. 
Is that in itself not fascinating?!  I get to test energy for a living!  My specific job is QRA ( Quantum Reflex Analysis )
The Doctor sends the patients to me to have herbal supplements tested and specific dosages according to the individuals needs.  Because, let's be honest here, nobody has the same body chemistry.  Therefore, the general dosages on the bottles will not provide optimal benefits!
How do I test?  I first mentally " stress tap" individual systems of the body, for example " Digestion".  With my hands, thumbs pointing towards each other, on the sitting patient's knees, I slightly bring the knees together as I make my statements to the body. I will either make a True or False statement.  The way the body responds is by a Reflex Response that takes place in the hip!  I will know if my statement, or the specific supplement in the patient's bio field, " stresses " the body if my thumbs do not line up to one another evenly.  The leg will literally pull up slightly! I do not control or manipulate this.  In fact, I cannot. I can only word things differently. I even do surrogate testing and test someone in a different State! I have done this successfully quite a few times.  I simply just need to know a few things about the person's health/situation.  I know, it may seem hard to comprehend.  But think about it like this...  If we can intercede for people all over the world, without even knowing them, and hear changes happening according to our prayers, why wouldn't this be possible? Our prayers are energy!  This testing, by the way, goes beyond testing nutrition.  We can, and do, test emotional health with this same technique.  And this is only one of several techniques!  I self-test darn near everything with a simple flick of the fingers.  And, what's taking it even a step farther is testing for multiple energy sources, seen and unseen!  Even spiritually speaking.  People, this is NOT a tool created by the enemy!  He is not a creator, only a contortionist of sorts.  Yes, this knowledge can be used for destruction.  Just as our words can.  Just as our physical actions can.  Just as music can.  Just as religion can.  And on and on indefinitely! 
Don't be quick to shut this out... This knowledge is a vital key to fully walking in your God-given authority, destiny, and abundant life!  He is the beginning and end!  All scripture is God-breathed!  He SPOKE the world, the UNIVERSE, into existence!  Please, don't believe the lies about super spirituality being New Age and witchcraft.  God began it all!  And He is good, ONLY GOOD!  Satan was kicked out because he wanted to be greater than his Creator!  He is a contortionist of truth! He is a master manipulator!  He is the father of lies!  Don't let him prevent you from using the power that is  unattainable to him! 
Everything Jesus did when He walked this earth until He ascended into heaven, we will do also!  And even MORE!  I'm not saying we are gods, just to be clear.  I don't lean on that side of a common belief system.  I'm simply stating the fact that we are invited to partner with our Creator in walking in our true identity, all he has meant for us!

I am so moved with gratitude that He has brought me to where I am now, in every aspect!  I mean, I think the greatest understanding I now have is that I can choose to walk in the Kingdom of heaven right here on earth right now!  And I can use everything that is in the Kingdom of Heaven to carry out His will on this earth!  I can refuse to receive the lies!  I can finally comprehend how SPEAKING TRUTH CANCELS OUT THE LIES!  I understand how nearly every disease process is caused by stress.  whether it be generational or self inflicted!  I understand that by me rejecting my true identity in Christ for decades has resulted in becoming Auto Immune!  And I understand that EVERY disease process can be reversed by ENERGY!  No man made energy, in pill form or equipment can match our God-given energy!

I could go on and on for an eternity because there is truly no end to this!
This is what excites me!  This is how I can FINALLY comprehend the Word of God and seek more and more wisdom to KNOW Him more intimately!
The choices I face each day are not determined by each moment.  Rather, by whether I am going to walk in the Kingdom of Heaven, or in the covering of the lies of the enemy.  We tend to over complicate and break down each moment of our day as though there is a schedule to which we switch tasks.  No.  Live your lives in Kingdom mindset!  His timing is perfect! And if we seek His will, He will direct our paths! And do everything as unto the Lord!  The way we do our jobs. Raise our children.  Treat our relationships.  Take care of our homes.  Take care of our cities.  Take care of people we don't know.  The effort we put into our homework and our bodies.  The way we cook our meals.  The quality of food we feed people. EVERYTHING!  You CAN have it all, because, as a child of the Most High, you already have it at all! 
Truly, live KNOWING that!  Your bank account may look as though you can only afford to buy yourself and your family cheap, unhealthy food.  But, I promise you, if you begin shopping with the mindset that unhealthy food is NOT an option for your family, your bodies will not be left wanting!  I can promise this because He gives only good gifts!  And it is an action of you trusting Him.  Once you develop this mindset, you will begin to cut out a lot of things that may have been false priority. 

Yes, there will be days when your old mindset tries to take up residence again.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  It's NEVER TOO LATE to change to your Kingdom Mindset!  After all, you have become satan's worst nightmare! You know better now!

Be strong. Be courageous. Be you!

Much Love,
~ Rachel Gray  

Do you find that you become anxious or fearful when you KNOW you are about to take a step in the right direction?

Is it adrenaline? Is it fear? Is it....intuition?

This topic of conversation has been highlighted to me since the beginning of the new year! Fear keeps creeping in as I actively walk in a new season I undoubtedly know God is calling me into. However, I have noticed that many close to me are also experiencing the physical manifestation of fear - anxiety.  So, I have been inspired to use this topic, which the enemy has actively been using to prevent me from moving forward, to help walk us out of that place we find ourselves "Stuck" in. Obviously, with the help of Holy Spirit!

You may have noticed I have not been so active on here since we came into the year 2016. (I hope you've noticed !) I ended last year on a very high note! I had just had my first Silent Auction where I successfully auctioned off my original art pieces in efforts to raise money for our first Family Missions Trip! Which, by the way, has helped me purchase our passports and tickets to Switzerland!! Praise the Lord!! That was only the beginning of this "Inspired Art" adventure!  What I thought may only provide a means to raise money for missions trips is indeed proving to be in high demand! Hmmm, not sure if that sounds right.  Basically, what I am learning is that God is using this art to inspire His children in a very intimate way, and He has no plans of stopping this movement through me!  I have been asked, by people I have come to know , to do private painting sessions!  What does that look like? You may be wondering.  It's simple, really!  I set up my station and let my music play in the background while you simply read a book or relax.  I am constantly in prayer during my painting.  I don't need to know anything from you in order to paint something specific for you! I ask the Lord to express His Love for you in a deep way.  I am just allowing Him to use me.  Sometimes I won't even have an interpretation for you... because you will just know when you see it! Besides, the same picture will undoubtedly speak something different to anyone else.  But this is a special moment and I would LOVE to see some testimonials in the comments below from anyone who has ,or will, receive one of these paintings! ;)

No, I have not forgotten the topic of this post. Yes, it is necessary for you to understand this little backstory of mine.

God, my Papa Love, has given me clear direction of my call in this life!  He has promised me some BIG things and is bringing them to pass! I mean, I still cannot believe we are going to Switzerland in just a few short months!  He has given me BIG dreams! And He has even been speaking some bold words into my life. Like, very specific things! Concerning Love and marriage and even where I'm going to live! This is " deep territory" He is walking me into.  And, I admit, from the outside I look like a crazy lady sometimes.  I gotta stop caring how I think other people see me as because that's exactly what will cause me to cower into a ball of insecurities and not move forward in His promises!  And THAT is my introduction to addressing FEAR!

I would be foolish to underestimate the craftiness of my enemy!  I am thankful that I have grown a lot in my understanding of my God-given authority I am to walk in!  Otherwise, I would continue to be ruled by the debilitating fear that constantly shoots up like a huge mountain as I walk the straight and narrow! The thing about those mountains on a straight and narrow path is that you naturally cannot see beyond them! You are aware of how far you've walked and all you have already been able to overcome.  Then you are faced with a decision... do you set up camp and just retrace your past steps and remain in what you have come to "know", and allow that mountain to keep you from going beyond?  Or, do you refuse to remain in what you are meant to walk out of and scale that mountain?

My mountain is usually formed by the fear of expectation and even success!  Which really forms an even bigger mountain of responsibility and reliability!  I'm just gonna name it because my enemy already knows my fears and I believe that by being transparent about this I will gain strength! As will you! As I see the good that is produced by my obedience to His leading and my public vulnerability, I begin to see the magnitude of the influence He is allowing me to have on a large scale! And it is daunting!  I mean, really, if I mess up in a big way, suddenly the world will know it and my entire reputation can be destroyed!! Suddenly my circle became bigger! By no means am I putting myself on a "celebrity" status pedestal!  The reality of putting myself out there publicly is just really scary to think about, you know?  People I don't even personally know suddenly really know me!  And some of the people I do know and hold in high esteem don't even have a clue that I exist!  Which, by the way, is not healthy, I know.  What I really need to get over is needing the approval of man!  And I know this!  I am just laying before you the real fears and thoughts I face on a daily basis that are constantly surfacing in efforts to get me to stop sharing! And let me tell you about this fear of success I have!  I didn't even realize that would be a fear until it was actually put into words!  Doesn't everyone want to be successful?? Well, ya, of course!  But to remain successful is a big deal!  All these things, which have not even become tangible yet, stir a great ,breath-taking anxiety within my belly!  But you know what?  All these what ifs are really smoke and mirrors!

Want to know how to combat this tool of your enemy? Do you want to know how to use it against him, for your gain? Here's how...

... Do it anyway! It will not go away as you continue to walk forward.  But you can experience peace during those times.  God has not given us a spirit of fear.  So, we know it's not from Him, which means it's from the enemy.  And why would he try to stop us in our tracks with fear?  Because, unlike us, he does see what's on the other side of that mountain!  He does not want us to go out into all the world and make disciples! He doesn't want us to know our true value!  He doesn't want us to know that we, in Christ, are a force to be reckoned with!  What is his main goal?  To steal kill and destroy US! And why did Jesus come? To give us life more abundantly! Again, fear will pop up constantly, but as you gain more momentum and seek first the Kingdom, you will rise up on wings like eagles and gain new strength and He will provide all that you need and beyond! Yes, I combined a few different paraphrased verses, but it's all true!! The true key is to acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path! And cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you!  Do you want peace of mind? Give Him your time and attention.

So, next time I have the privilege of painting in front of the church during worship service, I will enter into His presence and climb that mountain in anticipation! 
If what you do in life is pleasing and acceptable to the Lord, yet causes an anxiety within you, you must bring it before Papa Love and talk it out with Him. Ask for understanding and wisdom.  You will gain it!  Never get too busy with even the good to set aside time with your Papa! He's the only one who can give you the fulfillment you seek.  And, if you are not careful to keep Him first, the good works He once produced through you can become dead and even destructive.  I pray I never boast in anything I do but that I forever sing His praises and boast in His everlasting Glory!

Aahhhhh.... that was refreshing!

Be inspired to keep going!  And let God go as big as He wants with you!

Much Love!
~ Rach

It worked!!

I recently posted about asking for help.  Well, I took my own advice and am so very glad I did!
I technically only asked my parents for help.  Why did I wait so long to ask for help when help was so ready to be given? Now I have a full 24hr day to myself to look forward to every month! Ha! That's a big deal!
A couple days after asking for help with my children, my friend calls me up telling me that she got a sitter for the kids so she and I could go out! FUN! Also, my other sweet friend offered to help me with housework while we just hang out!
I was so blessed! And it wasn't burdensome to them.

I just want to encourage you, again, to take that initial step and ask someone for help.  Then, watch how many other opportunities come your way in doing so!
Don't be ashamed for not being perfect! It's no fun trying to be anyway.  You're still Super Mom or Super Dad!  That won't change. Our kids want us happy.  And, we need to share the load if we want them to have us at our best!

Yay Me! I kept it short! This is me working on not being an overachiever ;)

I'm excited to get back in the groove of things! Keeping you inspired and speaking LIFE!

Much Love,
~ Rach

One person cannot possibly handle such a life on their own!

Have you ever felt like there's such a heavy weight on your chest that you can only take shallow breaths? Or like you were doing a balancing act as things are piling high on either side of your balancing pole? THAT'S how I have been feeling lately!

This is not meant to be a vent of all that is going wrong in my life. Nor is it supposed to be a list of complaints.  I simply want to express the very real realities of moms.  Especially single mom's.

My children are amazing! We are truly blessed to be where we are financially, school-wise, my job, our home, our church family, and even other God-given opportunities!

Yet I am extremely overwhelmed!  I cannot get motivated to KEEP my house in order. That adds a HUGE stress to my life!  I don't have the time to help my children with school stuff because of my work schedule.  Maybe that sounds like an excuse, but I mean that I cannot help them maintain their grades and make sure they are getting all their work done on time.  I find myself too exhausted to even have fun anymore. 

Now, I am positive that if you were to sit down with me and write up a weekly schedule with me, we would find time for it all... on paper.  It's my mind that is so cluttered, though.  I need a mental break! That's on me, I know. My brain is constantly over stimulated.  I'm the kind of person that needs to be reminded to breath... to drink water... to eat. Of course I get that those things are all important!  I set deadlines for myself for so many things I know I have to do, and then completely become consumed by it all.  I feel like I have to do these things because, honestly, who else is going to?

The family unit, in it's entirety, is so valuable!  It's truly a shame that it all falls apart so often.  It's a shame that parents will not value their relationship so that the family can thrive.  It's a shame that we become so selfish that we can only see what the other half is or is not doing and then proceed to blame them for the family unraveling.  It's ALL such a shame!  That a marriage would get to a point of being unhealthy to remain and healthy to divide!  It's so ass-backwards! But it happens... and life becomes this.

Absolutely, there are many joys still....in my case, even more so!  But nobody can ignore the fact that our family is broken.  A broken family is forced to live as amputees.  The thing is, had we kept the limb that developed disease and infection, we'd live a painful life, managing to continue to function. But at least we'd still have all our parts. The thing about that, it would have eventually taken over the entire body and killed it.  I suppose this is the healing process.  It's frustrating and painful.  It's necessary to go through a sort of physical therapy and rehab.  Unfortunately, the trauma caused by such thing tends to make us stubborn in our strive for independence. We don't ask for help because we feel we "need to learn to do it ourselves". That's what I have been stuck in.  I know it's a wrong mindset to have.  It's become such a habit for me, though.  I don't like that it has.

Believe me, I never WANTED to be a single mom.  I wanted to stay married and heal within.  It wasn't an option.  The way I feel overwhelmed now, I have felt this way during my marriage.  I even checked myself into the Behavioral Center a couple times!  I felt like I was completely losing my mind!  So, that said, I can't even say I miss what I had.  Not to bash my ex.  I'm only saying I was always feeling alone in parenting. 

I should stop right now. In fact, the only reason I'm posting this entry is for those who can relate, but feel ashamed to admit it.  I still aim to inspire you... even in my own weakest moments.  I encourage you to cry out to Jesus, always.  Let Him comfort you and listen to Him in your moments of weakness.  I know it's hard, and you want something more tangible in those moments.  I do, too!  But, knowing His character, leaning into Him will ALWAYS bring you peace.  He chooses, often times, to encourage us through others.  Which means that you have to fight the urge of isolation.  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable with the people who care for you.  You have to allow yourself to ask for help! Help with cleaning your house.  Help with grocery shopping.  Help with taking the kids for a day.  Just ask.  Because your loved ones WANT to help.  It's a way to express love.  You know, I really am trying to pump myself up enough to ask my loved ones for help.  I hope this is helping you, too!

In closing, I challenge you to ask someone to help you with something. I take my own challenge to do so.  And I will let you know how it goes! I would love to hear your stories and any encouragement!

Much Love,
Rach

Oh, how I have missed writing!! It's quite difficult being consistent when I have soo many things I love to do and I really only have a small window of focused time.  Lately, I have been so inspired in baking! I have shared one simple recipe on here, but I have been creating several things! And with all this taste testing I must do, I feel about 5 months pregnant! Ha!

However, not all my time has been spent on the fun, exciting things.  I have also been focusing on getting a routine down for the kids and I to keep our house in order. I can't even tell you how long I have been "working on a chore chart"... pins on my Pintrest date back to quite a few months ago! I always have intentions on getting things done, but there are simply too many things to do in the day!  Okay, can I use the excuse that us creative people thrive in chaos?? No? Well, there is some truth to that.  But, as a Mother who wants her children to be better organized for the sake of their future families, I'm kind of stuck being the example. So, with the help of my dear co workers, practically family, I got a good kick in the pants.  The chore chart is up, reward system in place, and rooms becoming organized! I'm pretty proud of myself! It only took 30 years, but I got it!

I have to admit, though, I am incapable of "Straightening up" the house. Do a different task for 30 min everyday to maintain a clean home? Impossible for me!  I basically make a bigger mess while I clean, because I have to reorganize everything. I have to be meticulous when I clean... I mean, not even by choice! It's just how my mind works.  My friend can clean half my house in 30 min. She says, " Don't even think about it. Just do it!" Um...huh? How in the world does that happen? I think about every detail of what I'm doing, for everything, always. I will spend 30 min going through my stack of papers on the counter! Oh, but wait! Then there's that journal in the midst of that stack of papers that I need to take to my room... then I sit on my bed and read through some dreams I had written down, trying to interpret them... but then I realize how comfortable I am sitting on my bed and I figure, I may as well take a short nap before heading back to work... then, before you know it, 2 1/2 hours have gone by and I'm only halfway through the stack of papers on my counter and I need to go back to work! Haha! Truly, this is me.

I've given up using my birth order as an excuse.  I've given up trying to blame my parents for not teaching me how to clean properly.  Really, it's not their fault I was able to get myself out of responsibilities by being a master manipulator of cuteness!

Oh, but don't worry, my kids aren't really able to get away with it. It's quite funny, at times, when they think they can beat me at my own game I played. Yes, quite comical. 

 So, I am trying to figure out a way to use them to do most of the housework!  And, honestly, so long as I have a reward system in place and they are competing with each other to beat the clock so they get "bonus" first, we're all happy!  It's completely fair and there's no way of cheating.  Now, mind you, this is a very new system and it typically takes 30 days of being consistent for it to stick.  So, it's a work in progress. I would say my home is 50% cleaner than usual, but 80% more organized than usual. That's a win in my book!

I hope I'm not boring you, completely, with my routine of chaos.  I feel like I'm catching up with old friends and I want to share everything! Plus, I'm really giving you an inside look as to how my brain works...or doesn't, depending on how you look at it. Ha!

I really have a million things racing through my mind throughout the day. Not in a bad way.  There are just so many things I am passionate about and get excited about!  I try to figure out, and daydream about all that I could and should do!  For instance, I really want to plan on starting a business baking!  Friends and patients of mine are really inspiring and encouraging me to move forward in it, and all the potential possibilities that business could be like!  Then, I have several book ideas! Mostly children's books.  I have so many ideas as to how to encourage our children and inspire them to discover their unique gifts that make them so special!  Then, I have had a brilliant idea for an interactive website for families!  And then there's my art I want to develop! And that isn't even mentioning it all!

You may be reading this and finding yourself diagnosing me with ADD, OCD, etc.  I prefer to just say that I am blessed with many abilities and have discovered the limitless ability of creating anything I can imagine!  Also, one of my best friends had given me this analogy, after I apologized to him for switching topics about 5 times in a 6 minute conversation! He said that he had heard it put this way, Men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Immediately, I got it! That is so,so accurate! Men compartmentalize everything.  They get so lost when we, women, speak. We begin a conversation talking about how dinner was, then end up going over what happened the other night when so and so ate this, and , did you hear about what the schools are serving? All the way to, I cannot believe that teacher told that parent this! Ending up on the topic of politics... somehow!  And that only took about 5 min. Hahaha!! See, spaghetti is all mixed up. Each noodle intertwines with several other noodles. 

So, we are completely as we were wired/ designed to be.  This is why women are often times better at multitasking.  Anyway, my friends are doing a great job at making me feel like I am quite wonderful!  They have helped me to embrace my weirdness and not be ashamed of it.  I am truly thankful to God for surrounding me with an amazing support system, friends and family alike!  My mind never rests, because it has been fashioned to continually inspire those around me who need to discover their own passions and, in turn, their calling! 

Well, I must do some art right now...because I already made up my mind this afternoon that I would.  Yes, I know it's 11:30 p.m.
But, if not now, while the creative juices are flowing, then when?  Have an absolutely wonderful week!

Much Love!
~ Rach

Hello, my readers...
This one's gonna hurt a bit! For sure me.. possibly you.  But, what is it they say in recovery groups? Oh yes," The first step is to admit you have a problem." That's it, right? I mean, it's what I've heard, though I've never actually been to a recovery group.
Regardless, I know it's true. You can't fix something you don't believe is broken. So, here I am, acknowledging that something is broken. Because I am desperate for a fixing!

The above broken record, to me, is my love life.  I'm just going to be completely transparent , because I don't know how do sugarcoat things.

I'm nearing the big 30 soon! I couldn't be more thrilled about it, truly! A new decade... a fresh season... and I am determined to shake off old mindsets, bad habits, and the chains that have held me down my entire life that I have come accustomed to holding on to with a death grip!

It started when I was just a little girl. I was about 5. I was so innocent and naïve . Like any 5 year old is! I knew how to get attention and get my way. Give a little pout and instant watery eyes... or, the opposite, even! Shrug my shoulders and give an eye-wincing, cheese smile! It worked! Come to think of it... as I'm writing these descriptions down, I believe I still do them. Ha! I guess, some things never change! ;) I was your typical bratty, manipulative, baby of the family.

Then things changed. My innocence was taken from me... little by little. Shame crept in. Fear overwhelmed me. Great insecurity began to shape me as I grew older. I no longer knew how to say, " I love you." to anyone. Not even my parents. That little girl that, every night before bed, would say, " I love you! Jesus loves you!" to her parents, was gone.  Not by their doing.  And not by growing out of phases, either. Something was seriously wrong.

I saw myself different. Unrecognizable. Unidentified. My world, as I once knew it, blissfully care-free, burst as easily and quickly as a soap bubble.  And nobody even knew. If innocence could be taken in increments, mine was taken three more times thereafter, that I can remember.  The last time was when I was about 9 years old, by my best friend's uncle.  Anything that happened along those lines as I became a young adult, I have taken responsibility for.  However, it is surely because my self-worth was shattered as a child and I had taken on the identity man has walked me in. I remember growing up, still pre teen, as I would get ready, I cared more about my appearance.  What would people think when they see me in this? Would girls get jealous? Would guys think I am pretty? Would I be prettier than all the other girls? ( Even though I, myself, didn't see myself as pretty ). I know, this sounds so awful! So self-absorbed! But, the honest truth is this... I believed it was the ONLY value I had to offer a boy/man. I had no other identity! I craved attention and acceptance! The only way I would receive it was by way of flattery.  Any other way didn't feel honest.

Now, here's the kicker! This was all my mind and my flesh.  Which, everyone knows, is not all we are made of... right?! You do know that, right??  My spirit... is what kept fighting for survival!  I have lived a life consumed by fear and suicidal depression! It didn't begin to seep through the cracks of my brokenness until my late teen years, but it was very present well before my teen years!  Through all of it, I could never give up hope! I just knew that there was a reason for it all.  I knew, somehow, God would use all of this heartache for good.  I don't recall ever blaming Him for any of what I'd gone through. Perhaps it was because I was too busy blaming myself.  Or, it was simply because I trusted Him.  I knew He loved me.  I didn't know why, or how it was even possible.  I was sure I was a mistake and utter embarrassment of a creation!  In reality, it was only how I saw myself.  I've tried manipulating God by way of self-pity, pouty lips and watery eyes.  That didn't work.  Like any good parent who knows the schemes of their children, this was not new to Him.  He didn't comfort me in ways I demanded of Him. He grew me, though. Each day I survived because of the truth I had hidden deep within me.  It was a choice I had to make everyday, whether or not to see the blessings He had already put in my life. My family.  A rare, strong, God-fearing unit. There was a solid foundation there! And a solid foundation can withstand any storm!

So, here I am, a survivor, a fighter, and warrior that will NOT back down- EVER! And I'm writing about the very mindset that tried killing me! I hold on to the promise that I am an overcomer, and I WILL overcome this, FINALLY!

I'm tired of these games satan has played with me all these years! No, he is not going to creep into this new decade of my life! I refuse to allow him any space! I have found my identity in Christ! And that devil is shakin' in his boots, ready to crap himself! ( Sorry for that image....not that I should be ).  he should be, too! Because I'm about to step full force into who I really am!  And I am making sure to prep my children to do the same!  Do you think he realizes that the crap he's tried pulling on me has actually made me more dangerous to his wicked plot? Whoa! he better watch out! By the way, when I refer to that scumbag, I'm not making grammatical errors. I'm intentionally keeping him lowercase. he can't identify with us even in grammar!  We, children of the Most High, who are heirs with Christ, are way above him!  Don't allow him to make you think that you should fear him!  Not when you know who your Daddy is ;) Therefore, know who YOU are!  What's he gonna do to me?  More of the same old stuff, which only makes me stronger, more powerful against him?!  Because, it's where I am weak that His (God) power is made perfect! ( 2 Corinthians 12:9 )

I will no longer be reeled in by the womanizing men I have previously found the measure of my value in!  I will learn to receive the Love of God, fully, before any man!  And, when I have done so, I will then receive that man He has prepared me for, and him for me!  No more settling as if I have slim pickin's! I've got the whole World of possibility! I am finally at a place in my life where not just any man will do. In fact, right now, no man will do!

Believe me, I know that posting this on the web is challenging the forces of darkness.  It's only because of my confidence in Christ that I am fearlessly doing so!  So, if you fear for me, pray for me! If you don't fear for me, pray for me! Ha! Everyday I battle my mind, my flesh. Your prayers, to our heavenly Father, are never unappreciated, nor underestimated!  I will forever boast in the Lord!! I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God!

In conclusion, I must correct my previous statement. My love life is NOT the broken record! The schemes of the devil are the broken record! Only able to play on repeat our past unfortunate events, words, actions. I'm finally tossing that old record in the trash! Instead, I'm ready to make a fresh soundtrack to the rest of my life! And I strongly encourage you to do the same!

Much Love!
~ Rach

Recently, I had asked Z, my oldest son, why he feels the need to give me 7 hugs and kisses EVERY night!  Here's the thing about Z... he has his little quirks that people may call OCD tendencies. Okay, okay, so be it. We all have them to some extent.  With me it's numbers and things being even... or it just doesn't feel right.  However, this nightly ritual recently took a jump from 3 hugs and kisses to 7!  I simply wanted to know what the difference between 1 kiss and hug and 3 or 7 is !
Well, the answer he gave me absolutely pierced my heart and took my breath away! I almost am ashamed to admit it! But I will, because I know that I am not the only Mother this has happened to.  And I am always determined to leave my readers with encouragement and hope! Back to Z. His eyes welled up with tears as he looked at me and said these words," Sometimes I just don't believe that you love me!" .............. I'm sorry, every time I think about that moment I ache all over again.
How could he doubt my love for him? I am not lazy in parenting. I take them on adventures! I give them the best quality food I can! I take care of them and teach them things school will not!
Then, suddenly, I felt so selfish! Yes, I did all those things with great love and intentions! But those are all the things that are of importance to me!  Yes, I include them in things I enjoy, and they may also, but what about the things they enjoy, that I may not? How am I showing any of them that I love them? That I love who they are? How could I have been so ignorant and neglectful? I have put an immeasurable amount of pressure on them to perform well in the areas I find joy, hardly giving them an opportunity to interject their passions! 
While this was hard to hear from my firstborn, I'm so grateful that it came from his lips.  I needed to be jolted. God was showing me my selfish heart through my child, whom I have such a deep love for!  And now I'm ready for Him to transform my mind into understanding His love and, therefore, loving in that way.  Completely selflessly.
By the way, I must tell you, that moment I had with my son only set the stage for what Papa Love had in store for me that night!  This was all divinely orchestrated! As I left the boys' room I was so emotionally out of sorts! This on top of my regular stresses of the day!  I could not get to sleep.  I haven't been able to sleep well for a couple weeks! So, I had decided to turn on Netflix and scroll through the movies, hoping to be led to one. I came across one titled Ragamuffin. I had heard about it before, but no details. So, I decided to push play. And what better way to get my attention than for the opening line of the movie to be this,

  " I believe that when we get to heaven we will be asked one question... ' Did you believe that I loved you?' "

Friends, at that moment I was wrecked! I was so deeply moved by this story, by the life of Rich Mullins. I so resonated with him.  My relationship with my earthly Father was not what I had in common with him. However, I had let the Father of lies speak the script of my life for so long! I had chosen to believe every lie about myself! I was so depressed! Yet I KNEW God's truth! And I believed it for everyone else, but I still rejected it for myself.  In turn, because I did not believe that He loves me, I did not love well. It's almost as if I rejected my own capabilities to love, because I refuse to receive it! Because I can't believe it!
I can talk all I want about the truth of how I love my children and how they make me smile. I can talk all I want about how my heart aches for the lost and broken. But, until I can fully receive the love of my Heavenly Father, I cannot fully love another. No matter how much I strive to!
So, I am now stepping into an intimate relationship with Christ. Ready to be completely saturated by His love. Believing that I am so worthy to receive all His love. And I will pour out the same love I am receiving onto each one of my children.  I will love who THEY are ! I will not walk in shame because of rebuke! I will gain wisdom and insight from it and I will rise!

Believe you are loved by Him!

~ Rach

Sorry it's been a few days since I last posted anything.  As I'm sure you could imagine, I get quite busy.  I want to be sure my kids know they are my first choice. 

In fact, can we speak on that for a moment? I just want to have a real, raw, mommy confession time.  I know my writing sometimes makes me seem like I am an obvious good mommy.  That I am constantly dancing through fields of wild flowers with my children! Painting pictures and baking cookies to no end!  But, I'm not. Yes, my love for my family paints an accurate picture, but real life hits...and I lose my temper too quickly, too often. 

The things I write about are intended to encourage you and lift your spirit!  However, much of what I write should do the same for me.  I assure you, the things I write are rarely premeditated.  I log on here with an idea of what I would like to write about, but soon discover that the Lord has a different plan. My writings are inspired and driven by the Holy Spirit! I don't claim this boastfully.  I just want you to know my heart.  He has given me multiple visions and spoken through many different people about my writing.  He has called me Scribe.  This is only a step in the direction of a brand new season for me.  My own healing comes through the writing I do. And, I truly believe, God will do amazing things in the lives of my readers because of my lack of hesitation to write as He moves me to.  So, in all blessing that comes to you through my writings, all glory be to God!

Back to my temper... I find myself ashamed of it.  My kids know I love them, no doubt.  But, in any ordinary day, the stresses build up.  Z is hovering over Cal nagging him to stop sucking his fingers!  Lu is tattling on Saiah for hitting her, only to find out she threw a shoe at his face first.  Homework isn't getting done.  As I'm cooking, I hear blood curdling screams coming from the bathroom because everyone wants to go first!  More tattles all throughout the day.  Saiah caught in lies, and he will never admit it - EVER. Something is always someone else's fault... Nobody takes responsibility for anything wrong they've done.  It's always because someone else did it first.  WOULD SOMEONE JUST CLEAN UP??!! But how could I possibly expect them to clean when I, myself, struggle to keep things clean? I am ready to pull my hair out more often than not!
I live in a 2 bedroom apartment.  The 3 boys share a room.  I share a room with Lu.  In fact, we're bunk mates.  I can't even go into the bathroom to get some peace and quiet! By the way, the most stressful time for me is when I take a shower.  I lock the door and turn my music way up, in hopes it'll drown their voices out for 10 minutes! PLEASE JESUS! To no avail, though.  I get all the regular stresses amplified! I spend 8 out of 10 minutes yelling in the shower because I can't understand their complaints!  I have literally cried in the shower at times because I can't get some peace and quiet. Can you imagine.... worship music blasting in the bathroom... I'm singing along... and yelling like a mad woman all in the same breath?!  True story.  I feel guilty for my behavior a lot.  I have to remind myself that I'm human and I can only take so much! It doesn't make me a bad mom.  It doesn't make me an enemy of God.  It doesn't make me fake as I'm trying to speak truth and love into people's lives.  I guess, you can say, it makes me more relatable.

People, this momma needs prayer! Constantly! I need a mental break sometimes.  And not just from my kids, but from the routine of life!  I crave alone time!  I feel like they're Jesus dates!  I can just be with Him and He fills me up again.  And, you know what?  My family needs me to have that time, too.  They don't want to live with Momzilla!

I am thankful for God's grace.  I am thankful that He covers me in my moments of weakness.  I am thankful that He is actively working in my children's hearts and allowing them to have empathy and understanding concerning the hard times.  I am thankful that He gives me the courage to swallow my pride and ask my children for forgiveness.  Relationships take effort from all parties.  I can't carry the burden and unrealistic expectation of meeting everyone's needs and holding everything together and not breaking!  I need to receive help from the people God places in my life who desire to help.  It's SO hard! I can't lie.  In my flesh, I still feel like I should be able to handle it all.  It's such a sinful and selfish way to be, though.  Independence is an empowering feeling!  But, you know what?  We weren't created to be independent.  We were created for relationship.  That's co-laboring, my friends.  It's hard to let go of, especially when you've only had it for a short period.  But it's not healthy for you and your loved ones. 

Please know this, truly hear me on this... I would never judge or speak against another's lifestyle and struggles if I had not been through it and saved from it!  I will be reading back on these posts as a reminder for myself.  I don't view myself as wiser and above others.  I simply share the things which Holy Spirit encourages me with.

Fellow readers, friends, family... be encouraged! Lift your head to the One who loves you and will never forsake you!  Count your blessings in times of hardship.  And know that there is always a reason for each season in your life!  You will only gain strength and understanding through the endurance.  Have a truly blessed week!  I pray joy and peace that surpasses all understanding over you all! I'll write to you soon!

Much love,
~ Rach

I have learned that you are never too old for Sunday school lessons.  No matter the age group.  If you're teaching or sitting in a Sunday school class with your child, go in ready to receive! 

As my children were younger they enjoyed watching Veggie Tales.  I have felt conviction while watching those with my children.  I think the reason why is because I am always going to be a child of God, and He is always going to teach me through whatever He so chooses.

I had the privilege to teach 8 - 11 year olds this last Sunday!  I knew exactly what I wanted to teach on immediately when I had signed up for it.  I desperately want children to know their value in Christ!  I want them to know that they are unique and have gifts which God had put inside them from the very beginning!  Everybody has a purpose, and we aren't to want to be like everyone else.  What I had done for them was create a TRUTH journal.  I was careful to make them each unique in design. I gave them a red pen to write in it.  Why red?  Because, in the Bible, whenever Jesus spoke, it was in red.  This journal is going to be filled with the TRUTH God speaks, and has spoken, of who we are!  I won't go into the details of the full lesson, unless you ask me to. :)
However, I want to share with you just why this topic stirs such passion within me.

When I was around the age of 8, I struggled to find my identity.  I struggled to see my value.  Being the youngest of four, I constantly compared myself to everyone.  The things that are irritating to people, the things that impress people.  I observed.  Of course, I can only share my perspective.  My siblings will tell you otherwise, I'm sure.
 My sister, the oldest, is the one that set the bar high when it came to intellect and responsibility.  I knew I could never reach that.  I couldn't even keep my room clean!... I still can't!  But that's a whole other story.  I also couldn't read and study and retain so much information.  The very thought of it all overwhelmed me!
Take note: I had formed the thought that I would never measure up and be taken seriously because I lacked her abilities.
Moving on to my oldest brother... what I noticed about him was that he was so independent.  He seemed to not really be bothered by what other people thought of him.  Sure, he went through difficult phases, but he really protected me from seeing most of those phases.  He was, and still is, a generous brother to me.  I always felt safe with him.  I don't ever remember fighting with him.  Yet, he did get in trouble a lot.  So, seeing him,  I felt that being yourself is harder and less acceptable.  Unless you are a piece of perfection. 
Please, keep in mind that these are all perceptions as a child.  Of course, now, I can understand the growing process is not an easy one and correction and discipline are a must!  But, as a child, I did not have that reasoning. And, therefore, my mind and behavior was molded by my experiences and observations.
Now, my other brother, closest to me in age... to him I was that bratty little sister.  To me, he was a vicious instigator.  He would constantly do things to upset me.  And, when I'd cry, he'd laugh at me.  I thought he was pure evil!  He would tell me I was adopted.  I rarely remember getting along with him, as kids.  We are fine, now.  And I absolutely love him!  Back in the day, though, it was tough.  I felt bullied.  I felt abused.  Now, take note of this: The negative attention tends to outweigh the positive.  We are more inclined to believe the bad things about us  rather then the good.

I won't go on to describe every relationship I've ever had and how it affected me. I know, you may be surprised by that. ;)

I have been trying to unlearn twisted views I have carried with me since childhood.  I believed so many lies about myself and where my value lies.  I became drawn to unhealthy relationships because of it.  I went through horrible depression.  And so much more! 

Who's really to blame?  Our battle is not with flesh and blood.  The easiest way for the enemy to attack us is through our thoughts.  It's really that simple.

So, it's hard to teach on something that hasn't had a major effect on you personally.  I want to do all I can to pull the vale from these precious children's eyes!  I want to not only expose the enemy and his tactics, but I want to help equip them and stand by them in battle against the enemy!  How do you battle lies?  With truth! 

We must edify one another in Christ!  Children have specific functions in the body of Christ, too.  And they are even more of a threat than us adults, I believe!  Imagine if we all, young and old, walked in the authority of Christ!  It's time!  And our children learn by example.  Let us be imitators of Crist so that we teach our children to do so as well.  If you aren't pouring into your child truth and love, you better believe someone else is pouring in the garbage and lies.  I understand we fail as parents everyday.  I know I do.  But it's never a wrong moment to turn it around and love on your child!  It may take a handful of pride pills to swallow, but it will make for a healthier relationship - I promise!

I challenge you, today, to go out of your way to love someone you have been struggling with recently.  Because love conquers all!

Much love!
~ Rach