In fact, can we speak on that for a moment? I just want to have a real, raw, mommy confession time. I know my writing sometimes makes me seem like I am an obvious good mommy. That I am constantly dancing through fields of wild flowers with my children! Painting pictures and baking cookies to no end! But, I'm not. Yes, my love for my family paints an accurate picture, but real life hits...and I lose my temper too quickly, too often.
The things I write about are intended to encourage you and lift your spirit! However, much of what I write should do the same for me. I assure you, the things I write are rarely premeditated. I log on here with an idea of what I would like to write about, but soon discover that the Lord has a different plan. My writings are inspired and driven by the Holy Spirit! I don't claim this boastfully. I just want you to know my heart. He has given me multiple visions and spoken through many different people about my writing. He has called me Scribe. This is only a step in the direction of a brand new season for me. My own healing comes through the writing I do. And, I truly believe, God will do amazing things in the lives of my readers because of my lack of hesitation to write as He moves me to. So, in all blessing that comes to you through my writings, all glory be to God!
Back to my temper... I find myself ashamed of it. My kids know I love them, no doubt. But, in any ordinary day, the stresses build up. Z is hovering over Cal nagging him to stop sucking his fingers! Lu is tattling on Saiah for hitting her, only to find out she threw a shoe at his face first. Homework isn't getting done. As I'm cooking, I hear blood curdling screams coming from the bathroom because everyone wants to go first! More tattles all throughout the day. Saiah caught in lies, and he will never admit it - EVER. Something is always someone else's fault... Nobody takes responsibility for anything wrong they've done. It's always because someone else did it first. WOULD SOMEONE JUST CLEAN UP??!! But how could I possibly expect them to clean when I, myself, struggle to keep things clean? I am ready to pull my hair out more often than not!
I live in a 2 bedroom apartment. The 3 boys share a room. I share a room with Lu. In fact, we're bunk mates. I can't even go into the bathroom to get some peace and quiet! By the way, the most stressful time for me is when I take a shower. I lock the door and turn my music way up, in hopes it'll drown their voices out for 10 minutes! PLEASE JESUS! To no avail, though. I get all the regular stresses amplified! I spend 8 out of 10 minutes yelling in the shower because I can't understand their complaints! I have literally cried in the shower at times because I can't get some peace and quiet. Can you imagine.... worship music blasting in the bathroom... I'm singing along... and yelling like a mad woman all in the same breath?! True story. I feel guilty for my behavior a lot. I have to remind myself that I'm human and I can only take so much! It doesn't make me a bad mom. It doesn't make me an enemy of God. It doesn't make me fake as I'm trying to speak truth and love into people's lives. I guess, you can say, it makes me more relatable.
People, this momma needs prayer! Constantly! I need a mental break sometimes. And not just from my kids, but from the routine of life! I crave alone time! I feel like they're Jesus dates! I can just be with Him and He fills me up again. And, you know what? My family needs me to have that time, too. They don't want to live with Momzilla!
I am thankful for God's grace. I am thankful that He covers me in my moments of weakness. I am thankful that He is actively working in my children's hearts and allowing them to have empathy and understanding concerning the hard times. I am thankful that He gives me the courage to swallow my pride and ask my children for forgiveness. Relationships take effort from all parties. I can't carry the burden and unrealistic expectation of meeting everyone's needs and holding everything together and not breaking! I need to receive help from the people God places in my life who desire to help. It's SO hard! I can't lie. In my flesh, I still feel like I should be able to handle it all. It's such a sinful and selfish way to be, though. Independence is an empowering feeling! But, you know what? We weren't created to be independent. We were created for relationship. That's co-laboring, my friends. It's hard to let go of, especially when you've only had it for a short period. But it's not healthy for you and your loved ones.
Please know this, truly hear me on this... I would never judge or speak against another's lifestyle and struggles if I had not been through it and saved from it! I will be reading back on these posts as a reminder for myself. I don't view myself as wiser and above others. I simply share the things which Holy Spirit encourages me with.
Fellow readers, friends, family... be encouraged! Lift your head to the One who loves you and will never forsake you! Count your blessings in times of hardship. And know that there is always a reason for each season in your life! You will only gain strength and understanding through the endurance. Have a truly blessed week! I pray joy and peace that surpasses all understanding over you all! I'll write to you soon!