Recently, I had asked Z, my oldest son, why he feels the need to give me 7 hugs and kisses EVERY night! Here's the thing about Z... he has his little quirks that people may call OCD tendencies. Okay, okay, so be it. We all have them to some extent. With me it's numbers and things being even... or it just doesn't feel right. However, this nightly ritual recently took a jump from 3 hugs and kisses to 7! I simply wanted to know what the difference between 1 kiss and hug and 3 or 7 is !
Well, the answer he gave me absolutely pierced my heart and took my breath away! I almost am ashamed to admit it! But I will, because I know that I am not the only Mother this has happened to. And I am always determined to leave my readers with encouragement and hope! Back to Z. His eyes welled up with tears as he looked at me and said these words," Sometimes I just don't believe that you love me!" .............. I'm sorry, every time I think about that moment I ache all over again.
How could he doubt my love for him? I am not lazy in parenting. I take them on adventures! I give them the best quality food I can! I take care of them and teach them things school will not!
Then, suddenly, I felt so selfish! Yes, I did all those things with great love and intentions! But those are all the things that are of importance to me! Yes, I include them in things I enjoy, and they may also, but what about the things they enjoy, that I may not? How am I showing any of them that I love them? That I love who they are? How could I have been so ignorant and neglectful? I have put an immeasurable amount of pressure on them to perform well in the areas I find joy, hardly giving them an opportunity to interject their passions!
While this was hard to hear from my firstborn, I'm so grateful that it came from his lips. I needed to be jolted. God was showing me my selfish heart through my child, whom I have such a deep love for! And now I'm ready for Him to transform my mind into understanding His love and, therefore, loving in that way. Completely selflessly.
By the way, I must tell you, that moment I had with my son only set the stage for what Papa Love had in store for me that night! This was all divinely orchestrated! As I left the boys' room I was so emotionally out of sorts! This on top of my regular stresses of the day! I could not get to sleep. I haven't been able to sleep well for a couple weeks! So, I had decided to turn on Netflix and scroll through the movies, hoping to be led to one. I came across one titled Ragamuffin. I had heard about it before, but no details. So, I decided to push play. And what better way to get my attention than for the opening line of the movie to be this,
" I believe that when we get to heaven we will be asked one question... ' Did you believe that I loved you?' "
Friends, at that moment I was wrecked! I was so deeply moved by this story, by the life of Rich Mullins. I so resonated with him. My relationship with my earthly Father was not what I had in common with him. However, I had let the Father of lies speak the script of my life for so long! I had chosen to believe every lie about myself! I was so depressed! Yet I KNEW God's truth! And I believed it for everyone else, but I still rejected it for myself. In turn, because I did not believe that He loves me, I did not love well. It's almost as if I rejected my own capabilities to love, because I refuse to receive it! Because I can't believe it!
I can talk all I want about the truth of how I love my children and how they make me smile. I can talk all I want about how my heart aches for the lost and broken. But, until I can fully receive the love of my Heavenly Father, I cannot fully love another. No matter how much I strive to!
So, I am now stepping into an intimate relationship with Christ. Ready to be completely saturated by His love. Believing that I am so worthy to receive all His love. And I will pour out the same love I am receiving onto each one of my children. I will love who THEY are ! I will not walk in shame because of rebuke! I will gain wisdom and insight from it and I will rise!
Believe you are loved by Him!
~ Rach
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