This one's gonna hurt a bit! For sure me.. possibly you. But, what is it they say in recovery groups? Oh yes," The first step is to admit you have a problem." That's it, right? I mean, it's what I've heard, though I've never actually been to a recovery group.
Regardless, I know it's true. You can't fix something you don't believe is broken. So, here I am, acknowledging that something is broken. Because I am desperate for a fixing!
The above broken record, to me, is my love life. I'm just going to be completely transparent , because I don't know how do sugarcoat things.
I'm nearing the big 30 soon! I couldn't be more thrilled about it, truly! A new decade... a fresh season... and I am determined to shake off old mindsets, bad habits, and the chains that have held me down my entire life that I have come accustomed to holding on to with a death grip!
It started when I was just a little girl. I was about 5. I was so innocent and naïve . Like any 5 year old is! I knew how to get attention and get my way. Give a little pout and instant watery eyes... or, the opposite, even! Shrug my shoulders and give an eye-wincing, cheese smile! It worked! Come to think of it... as I'm writing these descriptions down, I believe I still do them. Ha! I guess, some things never change! ;) I was your typical bratty, manipulative, baby of the family.
Then things changed. My innocence was taken from me... little by little. Shame crept in. Fear overwhelmed me. Great insecurity began to shape me as I grew older. I no longer knew how to say, " I love you." to anyone. Not even my parents. That little girl that, every night before bed, would say, " I love you! Jesus loves you!" to her parents, was gone. Not by their doing. And not by growing out of phases, either. Something was seriously wrong.
I saw myself different. Unrecognizable. Unidentified. My world, as I once knew it, blissfully care-free, burst as easily and quickly as a soap bubble. And nobody even knew. If innocence could be taken in increments, mine was taken three more times thereafter, that I can remember. The last time was when I was about 9 years old, by my best friend's uncle. Anything that happened along those lines as I became a young adult, I have taken responsibility for. However, it is surely because my self-worth was shattered as a child and I had taken on the identity man has walked me in. I remember growing up, still pre teen, as I would get ready, I cared more about my appearance. What would people think when they see me in this? Would girls get jealous? Would guys think I am pretty? Would I be prettier than all the other girls? ( Even though I, myself, didn't see myself as pretty ). I know, this sounds so awful! So self-absorbed! But, the honest truth is this... I believed it was the ONLY value I had to offer a boy/man. I had no other identity! I craved attention and acceptance! The only way I would receive it was by way of flattery. Any other way didn't feel honest.
Now, here's the kicker! This was all my mind and my flesh. Which, everyone knows, is not all we are made of... right?! You do know that, right?? My spirit... is what kept fighting for survival! I have lived a life consumed by fear and suicidal depression! It didn't begin to seep through the cracks of my brokenness until my late teen years, but it was very present well before my teen years! Through all of it, I could never give up hope! I just knew that there was a reason for it all. I knew, somehow, God would use all of this heartache for good. I don't recall ever blaming Him for any of what I'd gone through. Perhaps it was because I was too busy blaming myself. Or, it was simply because I trusted Him. I knew He loved me. I didn't know why, or how it was even possible. I was sure I was a mistake and utter embarrassment of a creation! In reality, it was only how I saw myself. I've tried manipulating God by way of self-pity, pouty lips and watery eyes. That didn't work. Like any good parent who knows the schemes of their children, this was not new to Him. He didn't comfort me in ways I demanded of Him. He grew me, though. Each day I survived because of the truth I had hidden deep within me. It was a choice I had to make everyday, whether or not to see the blessings He had already put in my life. My family. A rare, strong, God-fearing unit. There was a solid foundation there! And a solid foundation can withstand any storm!
So, here I am, a survivor, a fighter, and warrior that will NOT back down- EVER! And I'm writing about the very mindset that tried killing me! I hold on to the promise that I am an overcomer, and I WILL overcome this, FINALLY!
I'm tired of these games satan has played with me all these years! No, he is not going to creep into this new decade of my life! I refuse to allow him any space! I have found my identity in Christ! And that devil is shakin' in his boots, ready to crap himself! ( Sorry for that image....not that I should be ). he should be, too! Because I'm about to step full force into who I really am! And I am making sure to prep my children to do the same! Do you think he realizes that the crap he's tried pulling on me has actually made me more dangerous to his wicked plot? Whoa! he better watch out! By the way, when I refer to that scumbag, I'm not making grammatical errors. I'm intentionally keeping him lowercase. he can't identify with us even in grammar! We, children of the Most High, who are heirs with Christ, are way above him! Don't allow him to make you think that you should fear him! Not when you know who your Daddy is ;) Therefore, know who YOU are! What's he gonna do to me? More of the same old stuff, which only makes me stronger, more powerful against him?! Because, it's where I am weak that His (God) power is made perfect! ( 2 Corinthians 12:9 )
I will no longer be reeled in by the womanizing men I have previously found the measure of my value in! I will learn to receive the Love of God, fully, before any man! And, when I have done so, I will then receive that man He has prepared me for, and him for me! No more settling as if I have slim pickin's! I've got the whole World of possibility! I am finally at a place in my life where not just any man will do. In fact, right now, no man will do!
Believe me, I know that posting this on the web is challenging the forces of darkness. It's only because of my confidence in Christ that I am fearlessly doing so! So, if you fear for me, pray for me! If you don't fear for me, pray for me! Ha! Everyday I battle my mind, my flesh. Your prayers, to our heavenly Father, are never unappreciated, nor underestimated! I will forever boast in the Lord!! I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God!
In conclusion, I must correct my previous statement. My love life is NOT the broken record! The schemes of the devil are the broken record! Only able to play on repeat our past unfortunate events, words, actions. I'm finally tossing that old record in the trash! Instead, I'm ready to make a fresh soundtrack to the rest of my life! And I strongly encourage you to do the same!